Perfection

Today I woke up with the thought, "Today I am going to be a good person."

I think you might already see where this is going. 

I muscled past kids not getting out of bed and bickering with each other, with the perfect if not very sincere note of "now now children do not fight, look at the beautiful day la la." I navigated a mine field of spilt milk and people being late and running out of milk and bread. I noticed how Alex had done the dishes. I stepped outside and the garbage, which we had been gathering the night before had not been put out, so it had not been collected. So I flipped out.

It wasn't anybodies fault really. I just didn't know what to do. Alex suggested that I take it to a neighborhood that hadn't had the garbage picked up and then I really lost it. So he ended up taking the kids to school and putting out the garbage in a different neighborhood.

I was going to be a good person today. It just hasn't really gone according to my plan so far.

I have been nasty sick this week, so I have less than my usual reserves of grace, confidence and human kindness. The mornings have been rough. The crappy thing is though, that I have been trying. What people never see is that when you are trying the hardest to just be a decent person it sometimes looks the very worst on the outside. It is easy to be nice when everything is fine.

I don't do well with a change of plan. I can't actually do that. It is not in my programming. Like taking garbage to another neighborhood is just full of all these unknowns. Where? People might see me, or think I am some kid of crazy loser who can't figure out the way the rules are supposed to work. It is actually hard to explain what is so scary about this, it just IS.

People make such a freaking big deal of "thinking outside the box." What is so wrong with thinking inside the box? It is quite cozy and I am very good at that.

I almost always have a perfect image in my mind of a situation. For example:

A mother making muffins for her children, perfectly dressed, with sunlight streaming in on a clean and well-designed dining room.

I will send my mother a get-well package for her post-surgery, full of hand written letters and licorice nibs and thoughtful pressies all wrapped in cute tissues and papers.

A house that is 100% clean, not one hair out of place, complete with cute pillows and colorful wood- not-plastic toys that are perfectly arranged on a shelf in a an aesthetically pleasing way.

These images might just be a way to torture myself, because they are never the reality. I compare myself to them all the time. Once I imagine the way things should be in any situation, I feel like it really has to be that way. NO deviation!

The only devaition is putting stricter more unattainable demands on it. In fact if I come close to attaining a goal, I will sometimes throw on a "go the extra mile," just to make sure the perfect vision stays well out of reach and can stay feeling inadequate. Shooting myself in the foot.

So here it is. The question I am aiming at: What is perfection?

Ok, right, it is something that exists without fault. And I think it is safe to say that in one way or another, we all want it. Some people are straight up in their pursuit. Some try to drown it or their failure at it with different addictions.  Even if you are judgmental of other's pursuit of perfection, you are still at heart striving for it by setting yourself apart and saying "I am more perfect because I am not trying to be perfect".

All those images that I have in my head, those perfect images, are not moving. They are frozen. Like golden statues. I think I personally equate perfection with control, like having control of people and situations. They are one moment in time that I can decorate and add on to and speak all the voices like Barbies in a DREAM HOUSE.

Here is the flip side:

You know that I love a museum. And museum's are full of these so-called frozen moments. But, when I am standing in front of a painting or a statue, it is the imperfections that make it interesting. It is the curious "why did they do that?" or "why use that color? or put that brush stroke in?" It is the flaws that speak and tell stories. Perfection says nothing, because it is boring. It is the messy and the broken that I go to see.

Crap is going to happen that I can't control. I am going to have to clean it up. And keep on trucking.

 That is what I have to bring to the table today.  No hot muffins- I can't eat wheat anyway. Just my little slice of heavenly angst.
 

Change is good

I remember mom telling me that before they left on their mission about seven years ago or so. I was struggling so much with change in my life at that time that I actually put the phrase in vinyl lettering and sealed it to my wall. Obviously, a lot of time has past since then. The phrase still pops up in my head from time to time. It helps me feel strong, brave, that I can look straight ahead and deal with the change.

Recently it feels like a lot of change has happened. We downsized, we moved in with my parents, Macy started preschool on a whim, Troy's going to finish up school, implementing a budget and the hardest of all, we gave up our beloved Sadie Dog. It was one of the hardest decisions we have ever made. It still feels like I got punched in the gut whenever I think about it. The kids talk about her daily. We made the right decision I know, but it doesn't mean it's not hard. "Change is good" I have to keep telling myself. It might not be good right away but it will work out for the best. I have flashbacks of her as a puppy. Sleeping with me in my bed. Teaching her tricks which never really worked. In her mind "Shake" meant try to hit you owner in the face by really exaggerating lifting your arm and then jab... Oh and it helps if you have dagger claws. The worst and best is thinking about having my miscarriages. She would lay on my feet in the bathroom as I sat on the toily and sobbed and sobbed. The pain was emotional and physical. She knew I was sad and she took care of me, loved me. Laying her head on my knee. She was my baby before I could have babies. Sadie is a good girl and now she gets to bless another family with her quirkiness. Thank you Heavenly Father for letting us have the perfect dog for our family.

Please watch over her and help her to be loved and happy. 

Now onto the never ending saga of motherhood. This week I feel like we hit a new high and an all new low. It's just amazing to me how much the emotions can range within a day! I feel like things are great like the kids are doing great we're all happy I couldn't ask for anything better. Macy is thriving in school! She loves it and looks forward to seeing everyone and learning. It's  just awesome!  I have so much fun with Avery. Having one on one time is really amazing! We do nails, work on projects and run errands. To contrast those great feelings, within a split second the kids are yelling, biting, chasing, hitting and just total chaos. I think "what in the hell am I doing?" "Why am I a mom?" "My kids deserve someone so much better than me someone whose more patient or more soft-spoken." I feel guilty for feeling that way because I know I shouldn't but I hate feeling like a failure whenever I am in a "mood". I know I can be hard on myself, I guess we all are. 

I've been really trying to figure out where these feelings are coming from.  I have decided that it's the contrast from trying so hard and so long to have kids and not being able to. To my life now with two little girls that are so lively and full of energy and the change is just drastic! I can't even count how many times I prayed to heavenly father that I would be or try to be the best mom that I could every day. Most the time I feel like that's true. I remember promising heavenly father that I would never be mad never be frustrated with my kids. Realistically that's not going to happen. I can't beat myself up about it. "Each day is new with no mistakes in it." (Anne of Green Gables keepin' it real)

President Hinckley says it perfectly here... "To the woman of the church, Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient.

We all feel that way. I feel that way as I speak to you tonight. I long for, I pray for the power and the capacity to lift you, to inspire you, to thank you, to praise you, and to bring a measure of gladness into your hearts.

We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do. 

To you young women with small children, yours is a tremendous challenge. So often there is not enough money. You must scrimp and save. You must be wise and careful in your expenditures. You must be strong and bold and brave and march forward with gladness in your eye and love in your heart. How blessed you are, my dear young mothers. You have children who will be yours forever. I hope that you have been sealed in the house of the Lord and that your family will be an everlasting family in the kingdom of our Father.

Now, my dear sisters, that is the way with you. You are doing the best you can, and that best results in good to yourself and to others. Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do. Then leave the matter in the hands of the Lord. You will discover that you have accomplished something beyond price."

--GORDON B. HINCKLEY

So anyway life is good. It sup and down and all over the place but it's good. I'm doing what I feel like I should be doing. It's a good life.

Sent from my iPhone

Meal planning, dead bunnies, and the longest, most boring story you've ever heard

So there is this part in Bridget Jones' Diary where she is making dinner for company and as she's working away she starts to have 'a sneaking suspicion she's somewhat of a genius in the kitchen"--so she's feeling good, basically. This is about 20 minutes before her soup turns blue. Since school has started I have turned into some sort of machine--cranking out lists, budget plans, schedules. It feels really good, especially surrounded by the crisp new school supplies...but I'm thinking maybe check back with me in 2 weeks when I'm sitting on the kitchen floor in a pile of spilled Mac n cheese with a wad of gum in my hair.  I'm feeling super optimistic about the future, can't you tell? I have to say meal planning has always seemed so cumbersome and more often than not a total waste of time and money...I've always hated it until I realized meal planning has everything to do with your schedule, the food is almost beside then point. Anyway it feels good to be finally be figuring this crap out.

We have had a pretty regular babysitter over the last few years, her name is Brianna. The kids adore her and anyway she broke up with her boyfriend about a month ago. As a result of this breakup she was given back her pet bunny, he just dropped it off on her porch one day. She told me about it one night after she watched her kids.."I guess I'm going to take it to a shelter because my dad says 'NO MORE PETS." "Oh.." I said. Take a wild guess what I said next. So 3 days later Nugget came to live with us. 41 hours later he was dead. So...bunnies apparently are like super super sensitive to heat and we essentially cooked him to death in our backyard. It was horrifying, in case you are wondering, to say "come on Maddie! Let's go see the bunny!!..." Only to find Nugget sprawled out--dead as a doornail. I was just trying to buy some time for her grilled cheese sandwich to cool down. Anyhow, we have bunny blood on our hands and I could NOT explain another death to our kids so now my secret has become yours. For your information, Nugget had a brother and sister who were adopted by a farmer who just so happens to live by the Sequoia National Forest. When this farmer found out that Nugget was looking for a new home he got in touch with us, and we just couldn't say no. I've always found that a lot of details can make-up a weak lie stronger. The good news is, though, and I suppose "good" is a relative and context-sensitive term here, that we did get another bunny who was originally named "Angel" by Elsie who was then promptly overruled by Teddy and renamed "Mystery".  The don't know it, of course, but they are both correct.

My kids are changing so quickly it's crazy. Overnight Teddy, who is still handsome and charming and wonderful, has reached the stage where he tells and re-tells the most overly-detailed, long and horrifically boring stories you have ever heard in your whole dang life. He repeats punch-lines like 15 times at least. He's that kid, can you believe it?? So crazy. It more than balances out though..I use the list of family songs that Katie posted to let the kids to choose a song for bedtime. They both sleep in Elsie's queen bed together, so I squeeze right in the middle. Tonight Teddy chose 'Here comes the sun," they weren't sure they knew the song until I started singing it and then Elsie said, "Hey, I know this song.." And Teddy sang the last verse with me. He's never chipped in on any song before ever....they don't really know who the Beatles are but if they can respond like that to my favorite song--there's a good chance they know, despite all the other noise, that they are my favorite little people. It's kind of a relief, you know?

10,000 miles

10,000 miles...
      ...will give you such a crick in the neck.

(awww poor Robin Williams)

First of all, I need to get the guilt out of the way. I know you all know me and that you know that I will feel more comfortable if I can just say sorry. Sorry I took so long to write this AND sorry that I kept saying that I was going to do it tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder if I have just a little Bernie Madoff con-man in me. By which I mean, you always hear about people like Bernie doing what they do only because they want to please people so bad that they are willing to lie to people including themselves to please everyone. OK that is a little harsh, but I really thought for three weeks that I was going to do the blog tomorrow, every day. Let me be clear that I love the blog and it wasn't a chore I was avoiding, there was just so much going on I just didn't have time. So, the kids went back to school today, and I miss them SO much, I do, but I felt like today was the first time I have had a moment to think in about forever.

side note: I took Juniper school clothes shopping, just the two of us, which was so fun. We talked about what kind of style she liked and, this just tickles me, but she likes "French style" like what mimes wear. So we went with it and she picked out a couple of black and white outfits. I just never saw it coming. Juniper + french mime. shrug? They are so funny, kids, with they're ideas about stuff.

 So here is a a little update since I saw you all last:

We went to Yellowstone, the Black Hills of South Dakota (awww poor Rocky), the Badlands, Michigan and staying with Teri during which we went to Chicago and I had Huevos Rancheros that might have changed my life, Michigan again -this time at Lake Michigan with old Michigan friends , back to Peter and Teri's where they gave me a ukulele that might have changed my life and that I played in the car all the way back home to Pennsylvania.  We got back a week ago, and I have been sort of insane since then.

At first I was too overwhelmed to even unpack. There isn't really anything worse than leaving that too long, but I guess I just needed to process the last two months. Finally I picked up my boot straps and got to a cleaning and purging rampage that hasn't really finished yet.  I guess the only thing I can figure is that it felt like we had downsized our possesions to a minivan size for 2 months and it honestly doesn't feel like we need more than that. Really, I can hardly even keep track of that amount. So when I walked in the house the STUFF kind of overwhelmed me. The CLUTTER. holy crap.

At the same time I am at war in my head with all of that plus the idea that I want a mansion. I even love that word.  A huge beautiful house with a zillion rooms perfectly furnished in the a kind of classy chic grown up way that makes my futon want to cry. I want to redo my kitchen and add on to the second floor and get new appliances and also everything.

*sigh*

I sometimes just want both things.

Speaking of mileage, I am turning 40.  I will probably get over it.

I love my ukulele so much. And because you are my sisters and mother you must humor me.  I don't know how else to force you to listen to me play since I doubt that you are going to go on a 10,000 mile car ride with me anytime soon. I am doing this just for you guys. xoxo

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SNAKESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSŚ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As long as I am being totally disorganized about what I am writing, I will also say two other things.

1. We went on a walk in the woods last weekend. We were in a place we have been  a million times. At one point Alex and the kids wanted to climb up some rocks and I chose to go around them and meet them on the other side.  As I was walking I stepped on a snake and it spooked me so I fell and landed next to another snake. There were snakes everywhere I looked.  I stood there and just shook violently. I could hardly even move my legs. I checked out mentally for about 5 minutes.

So these snakes are called copperheads. Whatever, they look like rattlesnakes to me. POISONOUS.  They are so camouflaged that I really couldn't see them at first, but they were everywhere. everywhere. Like "Oh there are a lot of sticks around me, wait, THOSE AREN"T STICKS!!!AHHHHH!!!" Indiana Jones.
         I do not scare easily. I do not cry easily. I like spiders. I don't get upset about mice, or bats or anything. 
              Secondly, I was useless. Thank goodness theses snakes were conserving their energy and decided not to rip my throat out. All I could do was just stand there and shake. Later with everyone, I saw another snake and before I could even register it, I had thrown my water bottle as hard as I could at the snake and started crying, (I missed the snake by about a mile), but I threw the water bottle so hard I broke it. I do not advocate the killing of snakes,(although they are delicious). That snake didn't do anything to me, so I should be grateful, right? 
 So I guess I am sceered of snakes. oh, and sharks.


2. I had a dream that I was watching a soap opera in Japan and Aunt Julie was in it. She was pretty good, too. I was telling everyone that she was my mom's twin sister. no one believed me.

Sista's

So my sisters are gone now. It was really fun having them here. It's such a blessing to have them in my life! Even if they don't live here, they effect me, who I am and their opinions are important to me. I value them as sisters but at this stage of my life we are just as good of friends. I love it when they are here! I hate it when they go! Its fun to pretend for a few weeks out of the year that this is my reality. My kids have tons of cousins around daily. I have people that want to see me every day and are excited to see me. They understand (mostly) me and my fears, my emotions, the things that consume me, my worries, my hurt, my sense of humor. All of it. Our relationships differ, but they are solid. I just love and miss them. We make jokes about having a "Barrett overload" and to some people I'm sure it is. It's not to me. It's trying to live a year of conversations and experiences in a few weeks, sometimes less than that. What I am so grateful for is that they have husbands that support them, in every way. I'm sure it's not easy for them but they do it and they do it happily. 

It's amazing the bond you have with a sister from the get go. I see it with my girls. Sure they battle and compete, but they also take care of each other. I just want to make an effort to record special moments, even if they are short or whatever. Macy just had her 4th birthday. The day after her bday, Macy wanted to open her frozen princess Anna from the packaging. Instantly a brawl began, who would play with it first?" Crying, scratching, hitting and yelling  the girls were furious. Their screams are so high pitch that sometimes I seriously wonder if my ear drum has been ruptured. It was a little intense to say the least. Avery had a fever all morning. Randomly through out the morning she would go climb up in bed by herself, close her eyes and rest for a bit. As I was trying to rip open the packing to this doll, Avery decided once again she was too tiered and went to lay down. Avery is not one to give in so ya know she's got to be sick for her to bail. As soon as Anna was liberated from the packaging, Macy swooped her yet to be played with doll up and ran to Avery. Leaning over and whispering "Aves, you can cuddle Anna if you want. It can help you feel better." She nestled Anna in her covers right up close to Avery's hot body. "Aves.... Do you want me to cuddle you too?" Avery nodded yes. Macy laid down beside her and began singing the flower song and softly playing with her hair (The song is one my sisters and I would sing together on road trips or to help us get to sleep) Avery closed her eyes and Macy kissed her forehead. Macy eyes started welling up. "But mama, when Avery is sad it makes my heart sad". Avery grinned at Macy and then they both jumped out of bed and ran around all crazy. Reality set back in. Fighting broke out about 2 seconds later. I would like to say "and they both fell asleep and dreamt of leaping on fluffy clouds with fists full of lollipops." I know that's kind of a specific thought but ya know what I mean! Hey, they had a moment and it was sweet and tender. It happened even if it was short lived. The whole thing was like an out of body experience. My kids are young. Sometimes I wonder how bad I'm screwing them up. Then a moment like that happens and you just feel hopeful. Your kids feel empathy or love or whatever it may be. Despite all my flaws they are good sweet girls. With tender spirits and I'm grateful.

Troy and I have got a lot of big decisions to make and it's a little overwhelming if I am honest. School, work, moving, another kid, getting out of debt, where to move to?.... To name a few. I just want to do things right. I want to be supportive and I want Troy to be happy with his career and education. I want to get to a more settled, happy place. I realize that to get there we probably need to make some significant sacrifices. 

I find my self dreaming and fantasizing about down sizing. Purging all the stupid stuff you just accumulate. Instead of counting sheep I count label makers, organizing bins, and other miscellaneous office supplies. So in hopes of making my dreams a reality, I have started making runs to D.I. and the dump. It feels so good! Now we just need to decide when and where to move. Ha!

Holding Space

Since my last blog post we have been to Lake Powell, Provo, Irvine for a weekend to see Tori, home for 3 days and then back to Irvine for Bill's wedding. Todd and Ashton are staying with us this week and I feel SO lucky that they are here, it is a fun distraction and a great motivator to stay positive as we wrestle with a host of new realities.

#1) The reality of having a new mother-in-law sleeping in Christy's bedroom, eating dinner in Christy's place at the table, living in a house filled with Christy's hand-picked decorations and furniture, using a refrigerator and pantry that still hold items that Christy purchased that haven't hit their expiration date yet. The night they got married was like an out of body experience. When I am anxious my natural instinct is to become a joker, but considering I was battling back some serious angst-ridden emotions I felt like my personality came across somewhere between hysteria and mania. I had no ability to even feel my own feelings and I felt like every person there had a different set of expectations for how I should be dealing with this situation. Dawn's friends kept saying that this marriage was "an answer to prayers," which I thought was just a fantastically insensitive thing to say. So they all thought that we should be super happy because Dawn is fabulous, assuring us that this was ok--everything would be ok. It was all very irritating and patronizing--I barely made out it out of there without snapping "that is something I should be saying to you, NOT the other way around." No guest at that wedding has to live this change in our family like we do, so they can all take their counsel and advice and rub it in their hair and shove it up their butts. Then there was a handful of people so dialed in to the strangeness of the event I felt like they expected me to be super somber and grief-stricken. And then there was Will and Audra who were furious and I felt like they needed us to share that with them too. In reality I felt a flood of emotion so intense that night, I didn't even know my own name. Everything probably will be ok, Ben and I are trying to be positive without forcing or expecting ourselves to outrun our grief. It is what it is and we will do what we can to make the best of it.

#2) The reality that I am now the mother of a special needs child, and that this effects everything we do, everywhere we go, the way we parent, the way we talk, our finances, our free time and everything in between. And that this is our life for the foreseeable future--possibly forever. I've had therapists tell me they think she will be mainstreamed by kindergarten and I've had therapists tell me I need to get my head right about this because I will have to be her advocate for the rest of her life.

#3) Get comfortable holding space. I think my need for things to be ok makes me cope with things at a fairly slow pace. I drag out each phase by adding a thick coat of denial--just gut out this part and then things will be ok/go back to normal. It's hard for me to absorb things in their totality, it's piece by piece, by dimension. I thought a lot about Bill getting married and about what holidays or trips would be like, I never thought about her living in Christy's house until the morning after. I've thought a lot about what Maddie needs now, but meeting a 13-year old autistic girl made it settle in on a whole new level. It's very much a 3-steps forward then 5 steps steps back sort of process that can leave me feeling very defeated and unmotivated sometimes. Brenee Brown uses this phrase "holding space" and I love this idea, it makes me think of someone protectively stretching their arms out around someone--not touching them just holding space for them. I would love to develop this more, provide this protection for myself and others. Find ways to allow for feelings of all kinds--allow and give permission for everyone to feel what they need to feel and be who they need to be. And I know providing this--again, for myself and others, would in turn inspire kinder, more amicable, more forgiving feelings because isn't most frustrations and angst born from feeling misunderstood, unheard or denied?

Anyway, just some thoughts. I miss you both so much it hurts.

like gas through a funnel, like eggs through a hen.

We made it here. But I still haven't seen either of you. I gotta say that I have ants in my pants to see both of you.  Today? Today I will see one of you...I can't wait.
The drive we just went on was so long. I think mentally it was twice as long as it was in real miles. Thing is: we are only half way there.

I am kind of stunned by seeing the country. Alex and I definitely both have a wanderlust.( I guess it would really suck for only one of us to have it).  I think we both get a charge from seeing and eating new things.

I am sort of tempted to make everyone watch a slide show of the whole trip. I know that is the worst thing though, Ha! Like hearing someone else's dream.  It can go on and on and on, and there is never really a clue as to when it will stop. I still want to though so:

Maine omigosh beautiful ocean, rocks, lighthouses, family, attacked by a seagull, ate lobster, Emily got married, fixed the car, car broke down, fixed the car, anniversary, pretty New Hampshire, Montreal, yummy french fries, wandering around a cool city at night with kids, market salami, Michigan always familiar, see family, IOwaaaaaaaaaaaa, Nebraska, I am trying to repress memory of just how neverending this part was, bathroom breaks and subway sandwiches, bathroom breaks and subway sandwiches, bathroom breaks and subway sandwiches, bathroom breaks and subway sandwiches, Cottonwood trees,  Colorado, Car over heating, Denver it felt so good to see those mountains totally listening to John Denver, Best ice cream in the country, Busted radiator, worst restroom in about 3000 miles of road across the country, Highest point elevation 11,300ft....That is realy high, Camped under the most amazing starry sky, Dinosaur Bones, Petroglyphs, Almost there, almost there, Duschene, Strawberry resevoir, Heber, Back of Timp, Provo Canyon, power station, farmer brown's, Foothill, there it is. home.

Picture that with slides

I don't really want to talk about all the car trouble we had. It was just really dumb. I feel like we really lucked out and broke down in civilization rather that middle of nowheres. There were real middle of nowheres and I don't ever want to be stuck in them.

I actually love Pennsylvania. I love our life there. Sometimes I just get so lonesome for the west.  I don't think anywhere else will feel like home in the same way.  There were a lot of miles to talk and think and look. I am lucky to have a guy like Alex. We have been married for 17 years. It hardly seems like that. I remember the morning I got married saying goodbye to the family, i just hadn't fully taken in that that was going to happen.  Being the first one to leave. That was hard. I know we have all had to do that in some way, but that first step away from the car (I got dropped off) was really hard. One of those moments when what you are physically is also what you are doing mentally and emotionally. But what an amazing life I have had. I owe every little bit of it to Alex. I love him.

But I love you all too. Wendy had to grow up. But she has a little bit of everyone of her family in her heart all the time.