First I miss you both a lot. It ain't the holidays without you.
I have some thoughts and questions, and the only way to start is to start.
I might be a selfish person. I sort of don't know what to do about this. Is it something I can fix? I generally do not like people and so for me to say "do something nice for someone," as a way to combat this selfishness, is not realistic. I just won't. And then I will get angry, resentful , guilty and proceed to feel bad about myself. Are there some nice doable things to help me get started? Like, I now always take my shopping cart back to the cart holder parking lot thing. That is a nice thing, right? Technically it is just obeying rules, although I like to think it helps the guy with a limp who's job it is to gather them up. My point is that that is my level. Probably beginner/novice level. Any thoughts?
I have to talk about my health status probably at least 3-5 times a day. Based on something that was said to me a couple of days ago about some people being a pity vortex, :) I have done some self reflecting and am a little horrified by my neediness in this area. I have to talk about my health, and all I need is for someone to say "oh, I'm sorry, that stinks." That is all, I can then get on with my day. I have to talk about my health, I have to tinker, I have to obsess. What would happen if you kept drinking water and drinking water an drinking water, but never peeed? well that is what is feels like to not talk about my health.
There is a story by Tolstoy- about this old guy who is dying and in pain, and how no one shows him sympathy or empathy the "right" way, meaning the way he WANTS to be pitied. (He wants to be treated like a little sick child, but since he is old no one treats him like that) so he is sad boo-hoo. My next question is Do we all want the same kind kind of pity? We definitely need to get sympathy the way we find it personally acceptable, right? How do we administer sympathy the right way to different people? Or is sympathy or pity obnoxious and just the same as looking down on people? And finally, it is so gross to NEED pity. But I do. I NEED I NEED I NEED. help.
THe last few days I have been SO tired. More tired than it is possible to describe. There is not enough caffeine in the world is what I am saying. This happens every couple of months and isn't cycle related or sleep or sick related...it is just weird. Sometimes when this happens, I am mean. For me Tired is Anger and is also probably depression. Any Thoughts??
Gluten free
Do I have a wheat problem or just a idiot problem? SO I got allergy tested. And guess what? I am totally not allergic to any foods.
So then I eat wheat and it gives me the runs and hurts my belly. I don't get it. Also not eating wheat has been not a big deal EXCEPT when I am with others that are not my family.
I hate being inconvenient, and it has made me realize how much pressure there is to be, to eat, to behave a certain way because that is what others or what we imagine others to want us to do/be. I am the "easy going non-demanding person, and I feel like people actually hate it more when I am demanding, because I am not supposed to be. knowhadimean?
a cleanse
I am going to try this Marfa Stewfart detox thing in order to figure me out
a. it may answer nothing
b. but i am curious
c. i want to lose a few pownds
but
e. it might make me mad
f. it might, and I quote, result in something called "the bloat" but just for a little while
Anyone want to do it too?? It is for 21 days. I suspect it is one of those things that might be fun/ less terrible to do with other people.
I have totally changed around almost all the rooms in the house and this makes me feel good.
Are repetitive behaviors indicative of a very large thing I am trying to avoid?
so there.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Just Nuthin
Oh man. You know how you want to write, and you know if you think about it really hard then an idea will come, but then nothing comes, and so you think, well, if I just go about and do my thing, the ideas will come like lightening bolts into my brains, but they don't. Days pass and the ideas just don't come?
I mean sometimes ideas do just **magically* come. But maybe it is just so much about what comes out when you are there working on it.
So saying that up there, ⬆︎ makes me think of this other thing. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about this Puritan doctrine called the "Prepared Heart."And Honestly I was trying so hard to look like I was listening to what she was saying, that I pretty much missed what she was saying, BUT I really love the words having a "prepared heart," and that has stuck with me.
(ps I do know that it is scripture- I am not that far gone :))
So that ☝︎☝︎☝︎☝︎ brings me to this other thing which was an article I was reading in Mom's hooky Mother Earth mag (which I secretly love) about Mindfulness. I enjoyed the read right up until the point that it started talking about yoga and shwarma. And then apparently I was done in the bathroom.
⇧ That right there sort of got me to listen to a book by a journalist about mindfulness. The book was mostly terrible, and the guy who wrote seems like a class A jerk, no offense, but it did teach me that if a guy, who seemed like the most obnoxious egocentric guy you ever didn't know because he thought he was so much better than you, could try meditation and get some insight and benefit from it, than maybe I could too.
Medicinal Meditation Mediation.
All these thoughts ↖︎↑⤴︎ have been brewing and I have been realizing just how focused I have always been on producing. All my quiet thoughts have been focused on needs or wants. I have what could be described as anxiety. It is like there is a Giant BAll of YARN and I have to KEEP KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING...
I also know this is true because I have a giant ball of yarn and cannot stop knitting it.
Repetitive Productive tasks sooth me because I feel that they can control the unknown that is going to happen to me and by extention my kids. By far my main objection to meditation is "who has the time for that anyway", which stresses me out.
BUT what if I can just accept that I can't control any of it? What if taking time to just sit with my eyes closed and not think about anything but my toe knuckles is the answer? Maybe all the churning anxiety is a weird product of itself that can dissipate if I just let go of the balloon.
Is that the answer to being in the moment?
I have a great life, but what is the point of that if I am not appreciating it every second, or at least sometimes.
ah geez. i don't know anything from a hill of beans. isn't it funny how these thoughts come and sit and stew and try to be friends.
I mean sometimes ideas do just **magically* come. But maybe it is just so much about what comes out when you are there working on it.
So saying that up there, ⬆︎ makes me think of this other thing. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about this Puritan doctrine called the "Prepared Heart."And Honestly I was trying so hard to look like I was listening to what she was saying, that I pretty much missed what she was saying, BUT I really love the words having a "prepared heart," and that has stuck with me.
(ps I do know that it is scripture- I am not that far gone :))
So that ☝︎☝︎☝︎☝︎ brings me to this other thing which was an article I was reading in Mom's hooky Mother Earth mag (which I secretly love) about Mindfulness. I enjoyed the read right up until the point that it started talking about yoga and shwarma. And then apparently I was done in the bathroom.
⇧ That right there sort of got me to listen to a book by a journalist about mindfulness. The book was mostly terrible, and the guy who wrote seems like a class A jerk, no offense, but it did teach me that if a guy, who seemed like the most obnoxious egocentric guy you ever didn't know because he thought he was so much better than you, could try meditation and get some insight and benefit from it, than maybe I could too.
Medicinal Meditation Mediation.
All these thoughts ↖︎↑⤴︎ have been brewing and I have been realizing just how focused I have always been on producing. All my quiet thoughts have been focused on needs or wants. I have what could be described as anxiety. It is like there is a Giant BAll of YARN and I have to KEEP KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING...
I also know this is true because I have a giant ball of yarn and cannot stop knitting it.
Repetitive Productive tasks sooth me because I feel that they can control the unknown that is going to happen to me and by extention my kids. By far my main objection to meditation is "who has the time for that anyway", which stresses me out.
BUT what if I can just accept that I can't control any of it? What if taking time to just sit with my eyes closed and not think about anything but my toe knuckles is the answer? Maybe all the churning anxiety is a weird product of itself that can dissipate if I just let go of the balloon.
Is that the answer to being in the moment?
I have a great life, but what is the point of that if I am not appreciating it every second, or at least sometimes.
ah geez. i don't know anything from a hill of beans. isn't it funny how these thoughts come and sit and stew and try to be friends.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Data Collection
In an effort to understand what motivates Maddie and to know if we are making progress in certain goals we (her therapists and me) "track data" constantly. How did she sleep, eat, poop? What percentage of times does she look at me when I say her name? How often does she look for my attention? What happened just before this tantrum that might have caused it? Etc. The data, oh the data. It is interesting, though, the conclusions that you derive from the data vs. what my perspective is on the situation. Through this data collection we have come to understand all kinds of patterns that I would never have noticed on my own. It has also made me doubt my own perceptions, but kind of in a good way. It's easy to become such a tyrant as a parent, assuming you understand what life is like from their perspective, that you know who they are (or who they should be) and that you know the best way to handle any situation. And I think a lot of the time we do have the right instincts but I think having a gentle dose of wariness is healthy--and not being offended if your child is fundamentally different than you are--is even more so.
Through this data collection I've learned that Maddie is not nearly as prone to constipation as I thought (she's actually quite regular FYI :), she loves circular shaped things, she eats when she's bored (don't we all) and that though her tantrums may begin because of frustration--once she starts hitting herself it is primarily to get attention. There's plenty more to add to the list, but I just think it's so interesting what is revealed beyond our own fuzzy observations. I knew she hit herself out of frustration--but I didn't see that there was another reason. I knew she loved slinky's and bracelets and coins--but I didn't put together the circular part. I thought she had a mammoth appetite-- and while she can still pound some serious food, there are plenty of times she comes around the kitchen because she's under-stimulated. Maybe it's just me--because although I consider myself smart, I can also be a total airhead (like how Teddy gets great reading comprehension scores if he remembers to take the tests)
As part of Maddie's therapy, they are actually doing some training with me. Phase 1 is tracking me making "attending" statements to Maddie for 5 minutes. Attending statements are just observations--not requests or demands or suggestions. It's just me sitting in the background of her play making comments like "you put the horse in the barn," "you are holding a brown horse." You would NOT want to say "put the horse over here," or "what does the horsey say?". I'm just a narrator. I am not supposed to interfere, guide or play with her unless she invites me. This is surprisingly hard to do. And this is kind of what I'm talking about with the parenting thing--you do a lot of teaching by suggesting, guiding, and requesting your children to do things...so much so, that it's surprisingly hard to just be with them no strings attached.
I know I mentioned this book I've been reading called The Child Whisperer. It's has some pretty interesting insights, I'm not sure if I buy all of her energy flow stuff, and I think she could have condensed the book somewhat--but anyway. She categorizes children (and all people) into different types. I heard about this book from a girl who posted on Instagram that she never thought she would understand her daughter and that this book had changed their relationship. I bought the book with Elsie specifically in mind. And I have to say it's been very eye-opening. Her theory is that every time you fight against your child's true you actually increase the tendency for the very problem you want to avoid. This book has helped me see ways that she and I are different and even ways we are the same. And for the areas where we are different--she's helped me see the value in those attributes that Elsie has that I quite frankly just didn't get! And now that I have this different perspective I see things in Elise that I didn't before, how much she wants others to be happy and how fun-loving she is. W
It's just weird to have things made plain before you that you feel like you should have seen--kind of a 6th sense 'I see dead people' sort of feeling. I'll have you know I also have an app on my phone that tracks my sleeping patterns and I've learned that I sleep SOOO much better if I wear socks (yes, grandpa thi-thi) and if I go to sleep between 9 and 10. Its not just the amount of time, the quality of my sleep is better too, regardless of when I wake up. Weird, huh? It's weirdly empowering though to analyze this data and these personality types. At the same time that these studies emphasize how much I'm not able to just organically understand the world and/or the people around me and/or my own daughters--deep down I already knew that. I feel like existing without that pretense and putting forth some effort is ironically very freeing. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is. Like living on a budget, or exercising, or getting up early--it's not that I really enjoy it--but actually doing it--you have to admit everything goes better and feels better when you do.
I know I mentioned this book I've been reading called The Child Whisperer. It's has some pretty interesting insights, I'm not sure if I buy all of her energy flow stuff, and I think she could have condensed the book somewhat--but anyway. She categorizes children (and all people) into different types. I heard about this book from a girl who posted on Instagram that she never thought she would understand her daughter and that this book had changed their relationship. I bought the book with Elsie specifically in mind. And I have to say it's been very eye-opening. Her theory is that every time you fight against your child's true you actually increase the tendency for the very problem you want to avoid. This book has helped me see ways that she and I are different and even ways we are the same. And for the areas where we are different--she's helped me see the value in those attributes that Elsie has that I quite frankly just didn't get! And now that I have this different perspective I see things in Elise that I didn't before, how much she wants others to be happy and how fun-loving she is. W
It's just weird to have things made plain before you that you feel like you should have seen--kind of a 6th sense 'I see dead people' sort of feeling. I'll have you know I also have an app on my phone that tracks my sleeping patterns and I've learned that I sleep SOOO much better if I wear socks (yes, grandpa thi-thi) and if I go to sleep between 9 and 10. Its not just the amount of time, the quality of my sleep is better too, regardless of when I wake up. Weird, huh? It's weirdly empowering though to analyze this data and these personality types. At the same time that these studies emphasize how much I'm not able to just organically understand the world and/or the people around me and/or my own daughters--deep down I already knew that. I feel like existing without that pretense and putting forth some effort is ironically very freeing. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is. Like living on a budget, or exercising, or getting up early--it's not that I really enjoy it--but actually doing it--you have to admit everything goes better and feels better when you do.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Within the last week...
Well honestly the very thought of writing anything makes me tired! I'm so bored even thinking about writing anything about myself!
I'm obsessed with the weather right now. The trees are rocking my world. Sweatshirts, boots, leggings and cool weather! "Amaze"! (As Katie jo would say) I am going to bore you with some pictures from my favorite spot lately. It just happens to be the kids fav too. I feel like I am discovering Utah for the first time. Everything is so beautiful and breathtaking! Like the clouds and the colors of the mountains it's just hypnotizing.
Macy was complaining about her tooth hurting so we took her in for a check up... Her first dentist appointment ever and she is four years old. Mother of the year!! A few hours later she was in surgery getting four baby root canals and a cavity fixed! I was prepared to take a doped up sleeping Macy home, like all the other kids that checked out during our wait. Instead I got Macy on freakin' roids or something. She was all hulked out! Screaming so freaking loud, irate, kicking, hitting and yes I was thoroughly traumatized! Talk about Anger! She was crazy! You know it's bad when the dentist says "Ahhh, this can be normal?" Really? The whole way home people were staring at us. It was really fun.
So besides forcing gross medicine on my kids, surgery on Macy's mouth, potty training, Avery's diaper rash, the nurse accidentally giving Avery the wrong immunization, temper tantrums, my freaking UTI that won't go away, trying to finish getting moved in, Avery's pink eye, and trying to catch a flying squirrel in the house this morning, not a whole lot is going on… Things are great and super easy. In all seriousness though things are good. They really are I am just trying to justify not posting for a while.
The other day we went to Jakers pumpkin patch. It was really fun! We have the best family ever!
Oh…. and yes I do want your sandals, I was going to say shoes but I wanted to specify that I do not want your jacked up boots. Just the sandals :)
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
and ACTION! bonus blog + boot DIY
Just to example how much I get what you are saying, Heidi (see previous post):
I have a great many things to do right now. Things that you might say are weighing on me. Have been for the last few days. Alex was out of town, I had a 2 day long migraine are two things that have been in my way, but really... today I haven't had much excuse.
Evan is sick downstairs and wanted some chicken noodle soup and scones earlier, just to add one more to the load of nobler acts that I could have/should have been doing. House is a pit, we have no food in our house, I have work I really need to do, plus various social things that I have been avoiding.
Sometimes I like to chop things with scissors, which sounds creepier than it is.
also I think I just did this blog entry as a way to procrastinate further. And feel good about it.
Heidi, you nailed it.
Katie, before I destroy any other shoes :) do you maybe want those sandals you tried on earlier this summer? Do you remember?
I have a great many things to do right now. Things that you might say are weighing on me. Have been for the last few days. Alex was out of town, I had a 2 day long migraine are two things that have been in my way, but really... today I haven't had much excuse.
Evan is sick downstairs and wanted some chicken noodle soup and scones earlier, just to add one more to the load of nobler acts that I could have/should have been doing. House is a pit, we have no food in our house, I have work I really need to do, plus various social things that I have been avoiding.
Sometimes I like to chop things with scissors, which sounds creepier than it is.
don't do it
um i think i just ruined a really nice pair of boots.
also I think I just did this blog entry as a way to procrastinate further. And feel good about it.
Heidi, you nailed it.
Katie, before I destroy any other shoes :) do you maybe want those sandals you tried on earlier this summer? Do you remember?
Monday, October 6, 2014
Simplicity and Action
I recently received a text from a friend that explained why she hadn't returned my phone call...she'd had a pretty dramatic run of bad luck. It was a pretty emotional text and my reaction was heartfelt--so much so that simply responding by text didn't seem enough...no, no. This woman needed a phone call, no..no..cookies! She needed cookies...after thinking about it a minute it seemed like dinner AND cookies would be even better. Something delicious and brilliant, delivered in a super cute basket too..yep, that would be the best way to respond. Along with a beautifully written, well thought out card. And some flowers.
In short, she got no response from me-no text, no call, no meal..no nothing. Having myself been the beneficiary of many acts of kindness, I have wondered how and why this happens to me. It happens in many different forms...constantly. This cunning form of procrastination has infiltrated my life and my personality. It tricks me because as I add more and more scaffolding to the idea--it gives me the illusion that I'm accomplishing something...when in reality I'm just setting myself up for less and less opportunities to accomplish anything. The cycle seems to occur as follows: I am presented with a need or call to action, I respond by way over complicating it or assuming this task will be 100 times easier to accomplish at another time... And then..big fat nothing. You could even argue I entertain this exact cycle with this blog! I remember I need to do it but decide that tomorrow I will be much more creative. When in reality these finished products that I either desire to do or at least complete don't fall like manna from heaven--and the ideas don't get substantially better by procrastinating--they simply just need to be done.
Netflix will always be there tomorrow, and will be much more enjoyable without the wet blanket of self-loathing.
I'm a little tired tonight. I love you guys.
In short, she got no response from me-no text, no call, no meal..no nothing. Having myself been the beneficiary of many acts of kindness, I have wondered how and why this happens to me. It happens in many different forms...constantly. This cunning form of procrastination has infiltrated my life and my personality. It tricks me because as I add more and more scaffolding to the idea--it gives me the illusion that I'm accomplishing something...when in reality I'm just setting myself up for less and less opportunities to accomplish anything. The cycle seems to occur as follows: I am presented with a need or call to action, I respond by way over complicating it or assuming this task will be 100 times easier to accomplish at another time... And then..big fat nothing. You could even argue I entertain this exact cycle with this blog! I remember I need to do it but decide that tomorrow I will be much more creative. When in reality these finished products that I either desire to do or at least complete don't fall like manna from heaven--and the ideas don't get substantially better by procrastinating--they simply just need to be done.
Netflix will always be there tomorrow, and will be much more enjoyable without the wet blanket of self-loathing.
I'm a little tired tonight. I love you guys.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Perfection
Today I woke up with the thought, "Today I am going to be a good person."
I think you might already see where this is going.
I muscled past kids not getting out of bed and bickering with each other, with the perfect if not very sincere note of "now now children do not fight, look at the beautiful day la la." I navigated a mine field of spilt milk and people being late and running out of milk and bread. I noticed how Alex had done the dishes. I stepped outside and the garbage, which we had been gathering the night before had not been put out, so it had not been collected. So I flipped out.
It wasn't anybodies fault really. I just didn't know what to do. Alex suggested that I take it to a neighborhood that hadn't had the garbage picked up and then I really lost it. So he ended up taking the kids to school and putting out the garbage in a different neighborhood.
I was going to be a good person today. It just hasn't really gone according to my plan so far.
I have been nasty sick this week, so I have less than my usual reserves of grace, confidence and human kindness. The mornings have been rough. The crappy thing is though, that I have been trying. What people never see is that when you are trying the hardest to just be a decent person it sometimes looks the very worst on the outside. It is easy to be nice when everything is fine.
I don't do well with a change of plan. I can't actually do that. It is not in my programming. Like taking garbage to another neighborhood is just full of all these unknowns. Where? People might see me, or think I am some kid of crazy loser who can't figure out the way the rules are supposed to work. It is actually hard to explain what is so scary about this, it just IS.
People make such a freaking big deal of "thinking outside the box." What is so wrong with thinking inside the box? It is quite cozy and I am very good at that.
I almost always have a perfect image in my mind of a situation. For example:
A mother making muffins for her children, perfectly dressed, with sunlight streaming in on a clean and well-designed dining room.
I will send my mother a get-well package for her post-surgery, full of hand written letters and licorice nibs and thoughtful pressies all wrapped in cute tissues and papers.
A house that is 100% clean, not one hair out of place, complete with cute pillows and colorful wood- not-plastic toys that are perfectly arranged on a shelf in a an aesthetically pleasing way.
These images might just be a way to torture myself, because they are never the reality. I compare myself to them all the time. Once I imagine the way things should be in any situation, I feel like it really has to be that way. NO deviation!
The only devaition is putting stricter more unattainable demands on it. In fact if I come close to attaining a goal, I will sometimes throw on a "go the extra mile," just to make sure the perfect vision stays well out of reach and can stay feeling inadequate. Shooting myself in the foot.
So here it is. The question I am aiming at: What is perfection?
Ok, right, it is something that exists without fault. And I think it is safe to say that in one way or another, we all want it. Some people are straight up in their pursuit. Some try to drown it or their failure at it with different addictions. Even if you are judgmental of other's pursuit of perfection, you are still at heart striving for it by setting yourself apart and saying "I am more perfect because I am not trying to be perfect".
All those images that I have in my head, those perfect images, are not moving. They are frozen. Like golden statues. I think I personally equate perfection with control, like having control of people and situations. They are one moment in time that I can decorate and add on to and speak all the voices like Barbies in a DREAM HOUSE.
Here is the flip side:
You know that I love a museum. And museum's are full of these so-called frozen moments. But, when I am standing in front of a painting or a statue, it is the imperfections that make it interesting. It is the curious "why did they do that?" or "why use that color? or put that brush stroke in?" It is the flaws that speak and tell stories. Perfection says nothing, because it is boring. It is the messy and the broken that I go to see.
Crap is going to happen that I can't control. I am going to have to clean it up. And keep on trucking.
That is what I have to bring to the table today. No hot muffins- I can't eat wheat anyway. Just my little slice of heavenly angst.
I think you might already see where this is going.
I muscled past kids not getting out of bed and bickering with each other, with the perfect if not very sincere note of "now now children do not fight, look at the beautiful day la la." I navigated a mine field of spilt milk and people being late and running out of milk and bread. I noticed how Alex had done the dishes. I stepped outside and the garbage, which we had been gathering the night before had not been put out, so it had not been collected. So I flipped out.
It wasn't anybodies fault really. I just didn't know what to do. Alex suggested that I take it to a neighborhood that hadn't had the garbage picked up and then I really lost it. So he ended up taking the kids to school and putting out the garbage in a different neighborhood.
I was going to be a good person today. It just hasn't really gone according to my plan so far.
I have been nasty sick this week, so I have less than my usual reserves of grace, confidence and human kindness. The mornings have been rough. The crappy thing is though, that I have been trying. What people never see is that when you are trying the hardest to just be a decent person it sometimes looks the very worst on the outside. It is easy to be nice when everything is fine.
I don't do well with a change of plan. I can't actually do that. It is not in my programming. Like taking garbage to another neighborhood is just full of all these unknowns. Where? People might see me, or think I am some kid of crazy loser who can't figure out the way the rules are supposed to work. It is actually hard to explain what is so scary about this, it just IS.
People make such a freaking big deal of "thinking outside the box." What is so wrong with thinking inside the box? It is quite cozy and I am very good at that.
I almost always have a perfect image in my mind of a situation. For example:
A mother making muffins for her children, perfectly dressed, with sunlight streaming in on a clean and well-designed dining room.
I will send my mother a get-well package for her post-surgery, full of hand written letters and licorice nibs and thoughtful pressies all wrapped in cute tissues and papers.
A house that is 100% clean, not one hair out of place, complete with cute pillows and colorful wood- not-plastic toys that are perfectly arranged on a shelf in a an aesthetically pleasing way.
These images might just be a way to torture myself, because they are never the reality. I compare myself to them all the time. Once I imagine the way things should be in any situation, I feel like it really has to be that way. NO deviation!
The only devaition is putting stricter more unattainable demands on it. In fact if I come close to attaining a goal, I will sometimes throw on a "go the extra mile," just to make sure the perfect vision stays well out of reach and can stay feeling inadequate. Shooting myself in the foot.
So here it is. The question I am aiming at: What is perfection?
Ok, right, it is something that exists without fault. And I think it is safe to say that in one way or another, we all want it. Some people are straight up in their pursuit. Some try to drown it or their failure at it with different addictions. Even if you are judgmental of other's pursuit of perfection, you are still at heart striving for it by setting yourself apart and saying "I am more perfect because I am not trying to be perfect".
All those images that I have in my head, those perfect images, are not moving. They are frozen. Like golden statues. I think I personally equate perfection with control, like having control of people and situations. They are one moment in time that I can decorate and add on to and speak all the voices like Barbies in a DREAM HOUSE.
Here is the flip side:
You know that I love a museum. And museum's are full of these so-called frozen moments. But, when I am standing in front of a painting or a statue, it is the imperfections that make it interesting. It is the curious "why did they do that?" or "why use that color? or put that brush stroke in?" It is the flaws that speak and tell stories. Perfection says nothing, because it is boring. It is the messy and the broken that I go to see.
Crap is going to happen that I can't control. I am going to have to clean it up. And keep on trucking.
That is what I have to bring to the table today. No hot muffins- I can't eat wheat anyway. Just my little slice of heavenly angst.
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