Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Just Nuthin

Oh man. You know how you want to write, and you know if you think about it really hard then an idea will come, but then nothing comes, and so you think, well, if I just go about and do my thing, the ideas will come like lightening bolts into my brains, but they don't.  Days pass and the ideas just don't come?

I mean sometimes ideas do just **magically* come.  But maybe it is just so much about what comes out when you are there working on it.

So saying that up there, ⬆︎ makes me think of this other thing. I was talking to a friend who was telling me about this Puritan doctrine called the "Prepared Heart."And Honestly I was trying so hard to look like I was listening to what she was saying, that I pretty much missed what she was saying, BUT I really love the words having a "prepared heart," and that has stuck with me.

(ps I do know that it is scripture- I am not that far gone :))

So that ☝︎☝︎☝︎☝︎ brings me to this other thing which was an article I was reading in Mom's hooky Mother Earth mag (which I secretly love) about Mindfulness.  I enjoyed the read right up until the point that it started talking about yoga and shwarma. And then apparently I was done in the bathroom.

⇧ That right there sort of got me to listen to a book by a journalist about mindfulness. The book was mostly terrible, and the guy who wrote seems like a class A jerk, no offense, but it did teach me that if a guy, who seemed like the most obnoxious egocentric guy you ever didn't know because he thought he was so much better than you, could try meditation and get some insight and benefit from it, than maybe I could too.

Medicinal Meditation Mediation.

All these thoughts ↖︎↑⤴︎ have been brewing and I have been realizing just how focused I have always been on producing. All my quiet thoughts have been focused on needs or wants. I have what could be described as anxiety. It is like there is a Giant BAll of YARN and I have to KEEP KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING AND KNITTING...

I also know this is true because I have a giant ball of yarn and cannot stop knitting it.

Repetitive Productive tasks sooth me because I feel that they can control the unknown that is going to happen to me and by extention my kids. By far my main objection to meditation is "who has the time for that anyway", which stresses me out.

BUT what if I can just accept that I can't control any of it? What if taking time to just sit with my eyes closed and not think about anything but my toe knuckles is the answer? Maybe all the churning anxiety is a weird product of itself that can dissipate if I just let go of the balloon.
Is that the answer to being in the moment? 

I have a great life, but what is the point of that if I am not appreciating it every second, or at least sometimes.

ah geez. i don't know anything from a hill of beans. isn't it funny how these thoughts come and sit and stew and try to be friends.