She

I am sitting in Q's room rocking her to sleep. The arm she is laying on is starting to go a little numb. I have a couple drops of sweat running down the back of my neck. It's fareeking hot in here. I don't want to move too much or make eye contact for too long or else she will perk up and I really want her to sleep. I'm looking around her room. I see her crib, baby clothes, baby lotion, diapers and then I look at her little hands. All dimpley and round and she is grasping on to the neck of my t-shirt. I have so many thoughts going through my mind. I need to do these things, I can't forget to do this, I need check on someone that lives down the road. I just can't make myself leave this baby right now. She is my last one. Tomorrow she is going to be older. Something else is going to change. Maybe she will decide to take her first step? It will be soon, if not tomorrow, very soon. I can't believe that this is my life. I have three kids. Three beautiful girls. They exhaust me and drive me crazy daily. More than anything though they humble me, heaven knows they entertain me and they inspire me. I am in awe that God knew I could handle this. I didn't think I could handle having one more baby. I really didn't. Yet here I am doing it, it's made me better than I was before. It's made our family stronger. So much of the time I want to do something else. It's hard to be home all the time. But then I love being at home with my kids. I guess I just have moments of awareness when I realize I need to just soak it in. Enjoy it, love the good with the bad. 

Spring is coming and the snow is melting. I find myself daydreaming about my garden. The bulbs I planted in the fall are starting to sprout. Peonies, hydrangeas, tulips, chicks and hens... They are all starting to grow! I they peony poked its red head through the dirt and I about peed my pants. I did a full on jig in the driveway. I am starting some plants from seed and I can't wait to see how they turn out! I'm excited to have a small vegetable garden. It's a learning process but I love it. 

Love my sisters! I often think about my girls each having two sisters just like I do. It makes me really happy for them, that they will always have that support and love that only a sister can give.

We got each others Back

Ok.

I need my sisters. I miss you both. Processing the quirks of our thoughts and actions is  the most helpful thing I have found in understand myself and my kids. Partly because we are the same, but also because we are different, but especially because we love each other and we all know that.

Ok.

So I got some stuff going on. I have been reading about anxiety and I read this and it BLEW MY MIND.

The Anxiety Formula:

Overestimation of Threat + Understimation of Ability to Cope=  Anxious Response.


Does that sound like perpetual low self esteem?
Could low self-esteem just be the same as anxiety?
Are all the things, people, places, situations that I hate for a multitude of reasons simply due to a gut and instinctual response that my brain is making to protect myself from perceived threats? An assumption that I am smaller and weaker than any threat.

For example:

Overestimation of threat= A particular person will certainly judge me for being stupid, fat, unlikable, or unfunny

Underestimation of self= I totally might be stupid, fat, unlikable or unfunny.

Anxious response= It is always going to be better to not risk that judgement. Avoid all people.


What I am trying to say is that it has never occured to me that those "bad" things are not true, but a faulty wiring in my brain.
Just because I feel like someone is judging me doesn't mean that I am being judged or that whatever I think I might be judged about is even true or real.
In fact, thinking those things are true and fearing that I will be judged for being those things ACTUALLY starts simulating  those behaviors out of fear.

I have heard that kids will live up to expectation. If you treat a kid like they are dumb then they act dumb. But why? Is it anxiety?

I don't know if this makes sense, but I am trying to untie this big knot.

If the problem is ADD or Generalized Anxiety, It is brain wiring. And that is different than actually being unlikable or dumb.

Is it another example of "No one hates me more than me"? I'll beat you to the punch?

Help me figure this  out...