First I miss you both a lot. It ain't the holidays without you.
I have some thoughts and questions, and the only way to start is to start.
I might be a selfish person. I sort of don't know what to do about this. Is it something I can fix? I generally do not like people and so for me to say "do something nice for someone," as a way to combat this selfishness, is not realistic. I just won't. And then I will get angry, resentful , guilty and proceed to feel bad about myself. Are there some nice doable things to help me get started? Like, I now always take my shopping cart back to the cart holder parking lot thing. That is a nice thing, right? Technically it is just obeying rules, although I like to think it helps the guy with a limp who's job it is to gather them up. My point is that that is my level. Probably beginner/novice level. Any thoughts?
I have to talk about my health status probably at least 3-5 times a day. Based on something that was said to me a couple of days ago about some people being a pity vortex, :) I have done some self reflecting and am a little horrified by my neediness in this area. I have to talk about my health, and all I need is for someone to say "oh, I'm sorry, that stinks." That is all, I can then get on with my day. I have to talk about my health, I have to tinker, I have to obsess. What would happen if you kept drinking water and drinking water an drinking water, but never peeed? well that is what is feels like to not talk about my health.
There is a story by Tolstoy- about this old guy who is dying and in pain, and how no one shows him sympathy or empathy the "right" way, meaning the way he WANTS to be pitied. (He wants to be treated like a little sick child, but since he is old no one treats him like that) so he is sad boo-hoo. My next question is Do we all want the same kind kind of pity? We definitely need to get sympathy the way we find it personally acceptable, right? How do we administer sympathy the right way to different people? Or is sympathy or pity obnoxious and just the same as looking down on people? And finally, it is so gross to NEED pity. But I do. I NEED I NEED I NEED. help.
THe last few days I have been SO tired. More tired than it is possible to describe. There is not enough caffeine in the world is what I am saying. This happens every couple of months and isn't cycle related or sleep or sick related...it is just weird. Sometimes when this happens, I am mean. For me Tired is Anger and is also probably depression. Any Thoughts??
Gluten free
Do I have a wheat problem or just a idiot problem? SO I got allergy tested. And guess what? I am totally not allergic to any foods.
So then I eat wheat and it gives me the runs and hurts my belly. I don't get it. Also not eating wheat has been not a big deal EXCEPT when I am with others that are not my family.
I hate being inconvenient, and it has made me realize how much pressure there is to be, to eat, to behave a certain way because that is what others or what we imagine others to want us to do/be. I am the "easy going non-demanding person, and I feel like people actually hate it more when I am demanding, because I am not supposed to be. knowhadimean?
a cleanse
I am going to try this Marfa Stewfart detox thing in order to figure me out
a. it may answer nothing
b. but i am curious
c. i want to lose a few pownds
but
e. it might make me mad
f. it might, and I quote, result in something called "the bloat" but just for a little while
Anyone want to do it too?? It is for 21 days. I suspect it is one of those things that might be fun/ less terrible to do with other people.
I have totally changed around almost all the rooms in the house and this makes me feel good.
Are repetitive behaviors indicative of a very large thing I am trying to avoid?
so there.
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