Monday, June 9, 2014

Just Accept & Embrace

I haven't read the book but I have seen the movie. The Fault in our Stars was amazing! Some people found the book/movie depressing. Although, it was definitely sad at times I walked away feeling grateful. So very grateful! Not that I am such a positive person that I always take everything and spin it into something meaningful or anything, because I would not consider myself that type of person. I actually avoid movies and books with a whole lot of real feelings or emotions involved. They affect me WAY too much. Life is hard enough as it is. I don’t need other pretend people making me feel like I can’t get out of bed or like my heart has been smashed. Guess what I have experienced loss and heartache. As far as I am concerned “check”, that’s done don’t need to experience it again. Sorry about the tangent. I do that a lot.

I don't know about you but it's easy for me to get sucked into my own world. Wake up, figure out breakfast, entertain the kids, figure out lunch, and try to do something active, figure out dinner, bath time and bedtime. I can set my clock by it. My life is predictable and I don’t mind it too much. I understand it is a phase of my life. I try so hard to remember that I just need to accept and enjoy. Easier said than done (sneer). Not that I don't naturally enjoy my life because I do most of the time. If you know me you know my heart started beating when I had my first baby girl. Being a mother has softened me. It’s morphed me into a different person. I worry, I cry, I am anxious, I have a hard time sleeping. None of that used to happen really at all. I guess I have “hormones” and “feelings” and all that crap.

       (outdated picture but I love it)

I guess that's partly why the movie was so touching. I don't feel the movie how I think a teenager would. Or a wife that was so desperate to have a child for so long. I am a mother now. I have two baby girls that rock my world daily. I know what it’s like to be so in love with someone. To feel so vulnerable to love and can't imagine what my life would be like without Troy or my girls. I see it through a mothers eyes and it’s terrifying. As they say in the move “That’s the thing about pain…it demands to be felt.” Sucky, but yet oh so true.

While watching the movie I tried to not think about the people I have lost in my life. I tried to fight the memories but they started coming up and echoing in my head. That call you get when you know something is wrong. Before you even pick up the phone. You just feel the punch in your gut. The movie shows this perfectly. One of my best friends who is also my husbands cousin received such a call when her little brother overdosed. As soon as I heard I called her. Her one year old answered the phone by accident. I heard Amber’s screams and cries. I literally heard her heart breaking. Her genuine emotion unguarded, uncensored, and it was horrible. I don’t think I ever told her that. I hung up the phone. I felt like a peeping tom or something. I should not have heard it. I try to forget it but can’t. My dear friend lost her baby brother. No matter how you look at it it’s just sad. He is missed. Why is it that everyone who dies has the most dynamic, larger than life personalities? I don’t think it's us glamorizing the person at all. I am rambling. Anyway, I guess I am just thankful. Thank you Heavenly Father for my life. For my experiences good and bad. Just Thanks.