Monday, June 30, 2014

Proceed with Caution Random Thoughts Ahead

I have put it off long enough. Totally sorry I have not been on top of the blog stuff at all. My head is so full of thoughts I don't really know where to begin or finish really. Its amazing how much writing on this blog once a week kind of keeps my thoughts straight. First off, we just got back form Park City. I had a really good time. Our family is not complete without the siblings that couldn't make it. I lost my voice and it was probably a HUGE relief to everyone because I wasn't able to talk as much as usual. Its really quite interesting to observe others and keep your thoughts to yourself. I mean you know me I tend to say what is on my mind or if I feel like something NEEDS to be said I will say it. I am kind of annoying that way. I like to speak my mind. I feel like that is why Grandma and I always had kind of an odd relationship. I didn't always agree. Most of the time I will just argue the opposite opinion because I hate when people make blanket statements about anything.  This used to drive my Grandma crazy, but she also loved it about me. Its what made me different from everyone else. I never told her just what she wanted to hear I told her the truth, as I saw it.
I miss doing her hair and painting her nails. I just miss her. I know she is happier where she is now. I don't feel devastated that she is gone. I am happy for her. Although she never approved much of me or the fact that I didn't pursue photography, or art, or floral arrangements. I guess I miss her disproval? I think her disproval made me feel like I was doing something right. Always trying to go against the grain, be the opposite of everyone else. I would talk to my Grandpa for hours about my game or sports. My Grandma would chime in but don't you love to read? I would reply something like nope, I hate reading. Then continue on with my conversation. I have actually wondered why things were this way? It's not just my Grandma though, I am this way with most things. My parents, Politics, Religion, Everything and pretty much everyone. I do wonder why I am this way?
I guess my Grandma is on my mind because we had a Barrett Reunion the week we were in Park City. Grandpa came, with no Faye by his side. Its just weird. I am not used to it at all. I can see them holding hands everywhere they walk. Grandpa always opening the door for her.  Almost waiting on her, always there to help her with whatever she needed. 
I have been thinking about this lady that spoke in church on Sunday. We are taught from the time that we are very young that we should love everyone. Obviously some people are easier to love than others. This woman mentioned that when she was younger she volunteered at an orphanage. I want to say that it was out of the country. (Side note, I miss big gaps in talks from potty breaks, spilling crayons everywhere or smashing goldfish into the carpet. So I realize I might not be totally accurate on her version. However, whether the message I walked away with was something I needed to hear.) Anyway, back to the story, She worked in this orphanage. She took care of these babies. Rocked them to sleep, nurtured them. She LOVED them. “These sweet children were easy to love”. It’s the people that are hard to love or may be more challenging that we have to work at loving. Obviously this isn’t anything new. It just touched me. Sometimes doing the easy thing isn’t enough. I feel like I have come upon a time in my life where I don’t really want to do anything difficult, I guess I have allowed myself to just stick with the easy stuff. It’s not enough. Like being a mom. I love my kids they are easy to love. What’s hard is trying to not snap when they test me or yell at everyone because my house is a disaster and I want to runaway. This is the challenge. I need to push myself to do the harder stuff. Like being happy….. all day…… no matter what. Deciding to be positive before something crappy happens and remaining positive.  Not letting other people effect my mood. Or eating whatever I want too as opposed to teaching my kids to be healthy because eating and doing what I want is easier and more convenient. There are people in my life that make it hard. They are always testing the relationship or causing drama. I will never understand why? I guess its not my job to understand. I just need to accept things as they are and love them inspire of it. I want to be a happy and loving person. The only way I am going to get there is if I don't let other peoples attitudes and hang ups effect my everyday life and relationships. All I can do is all I can do. 
Well, I know I am officially random. I actually started writing a few different times and never got anywhere. So I combined them together. Happy reading:)